Log Kya Kehenge? (What will people say?)
Image from the song 'Kuch Toh Log Kahenge' from the movie Amar Prem (1972), featuring Sharmila Tagore and Rajesh Khanna. The movie explores themes around forbidden love and desire.
At its most basic, the practice of asking Log Kya Kehenge? is used to create fear of the public's opinion on one's personal life. The practice, and the shame associated with it, is very common in many collectivist cultures, including South Asian communities.
When norms or societal conventions are challenged, the words Log Kya Kehenge? usually follow, as a means of asserting the status quo and quieting dissenting or ‘troublesome’ voices. It’s often used as a powerful tool by parents or elders to assert control.
Hearing these words usually has the effect of creating overwhelming psychological pressure, particularly for those who challenge norms and conventions. The pressure to conform to societal norms takes away individual control and puts it firmly into the hands of the community - and as soon as it happens, the person experiencing can begin to feel helpless and ashamed and that pressure can be overwhelming.
An public act of shaming
The expression is inherently patriarchal as it’s often characterised by specific gender roles. Very often males are expected to act tough and exercise dominance, whereas females are usually expected to guard their family’s reputation by exercising modesty and ‘purity’. When someone goes against type, the pressure to abide with the community kicks in.
Women are perhaps affected more by the effects of these words as it is they who are expected to show obedience to their husbands and fathers to uphold their honourable reputation. Although women have, for generations borne the brunt of patriarchy, men are also not immune from the effects either, as shown by the high suicide rates amongst them. We’ve known for a long time that historically, societies have encouraged men to be “tough” and not admit when they are struggling, let alone to seek help.
I remember growing up in India and feeling unable to come out to my community. There was no language for being gay and it wasn’t acceptable to talk about it.
Some hope?
It is with a heavy heart that I wonder how many times lives and talents have been thwarted because of this pressure to conform. It saddens me to think of the number of times people’s potential has gone unfilled because they’ve gone into careers expected of them, as opposed to following their dreams.
I do see hope among some communities standing up and questioning patriarchy. For example, in my working life, I’ve seen progress in the way that South Asian families speak about issues such as LGBTQ+ issues. Indian culture has shown some strength in recent decades that has allowed more and more women to pursue careers and live independently. Progress is taking place and it’s positive that the winds of change are generally moving in the right direction.
Support and further resources:
MIND – the mental health charity
Support for women:
Sharan - supporting South Asian Women in the UK
Ashiana Network - stopping violence in our lives and communities
Specific support for the LGBTQ+ community:
LGBT Foundation on 0345 330 30 30
Sarbat - a support group working with the Sikh LGBTQ+ community
Hidayah - a support group that works with the LGBTQ+ Muslim community
Imaan - The UKs leading LGBTQ+ Muslim charity
Gay Indian Network (GIN) - connects and supports the LGBTQ+ community of Indian heritage and the wider diaspora
Stonewall - resources and support for LGBTQ+ people.